Four Months of Babies, in Four Parts

Part One: Thanks
Part One is long overdue.
I want to thank everyone who offers support as well as wise and funny comments on my very humble blog. I especially thank those of you who offered to talk to me or put me in touch with friends or relatives who could offer special support in light of my NICU and premie woes. If I haven't taken you up on it, it's not because I didn't appreciate it; it's more because either I am too scatter-brained right now to follow through or I'm not ready to talk. But I think it is exceedingly kind of you to offer, and just knowing that there are all kinds of support out there makes it easier for me to get through.

Part Two: Laughter
What a crazy past four months this has been. I have been blessed and honored to give birth to two amazing human beings. What joy they have brought to my life. Taking care of them, watching them change, feeding them every day, knowing that they are beginning to discover one another... it's awesom. There are really no words to adequately explain it. All I can do is tell you what I see. (I will tell you more about their health after next week's doctor appointment.)

M - When M giggles, he raises his shoulders and turns his head down so it looks like he's just a little shy. He is very strong and can support his own weight with his legs for many seconds on end. He also pushes himself up when he's on his belly, and he's been rolling from belly to back since December. If he's in a good mood, he likes his gym and his mobile. He and his brother lie side by side looking up at the mobile and kicking their legs, laughing, and babbling. M likes to look around a lot. One of his favorite things to focus on is the light fixture on the ceiling about our bed. He laughs and talks to it for long periods of time. Hey, it's cheap entertainment! But seriously, there is something really profound in watching a baby get joy out of looking at a simple thing. M gets cranky in the evening, and the remedies that work best for him, for the time being, are nursing, walking with him in the pouch, and putting him on your lap belly-down on a pillow. He sleeps well, waking up only once or not at all during the night. He loves to eat too! M likes to be held a lot, though he also pushes off the holder's chest so he can look around. His smile lights up his eyes, like his daddy. He is very sweet indeed.

J- J has a face-consuming smile and is quick to laugh, especially on the changing table. He also loves to converse with people, and if you say something to him or ask him a question, he will get a really concentrated look on his face and then open his mouth really big. Sometimes sounds come out, like "ooh" or "ah" or something that sounds like "hi." When he hears himself "speak," he gets this huge grin on his face and laughs with delight. I think he is going to be a talker! He still has a few feeding issues, but I would indeed count eating as one of his favorite pass times. He also likes to watch the mobile, squealing with absolute delight. Though not a big fan of tummy time, he does enjoy his gym sometimes. J loves being nude. (Who doesn't?) Neither boy minds a bath, though I can't say that they love it either. J is always up by the time SP is out the door, around 7AM, usually with a huge smile on his face the moment you notice he's awake. He has been through many medical appointments and tests, and he is still a very happy, jovial baby. He is quite amazing.

Part Three: Tears
The downs certainly took their toll. I still have moments in which I am at least a little panicked that they might be sick. I also feel regret. It still hurts that they came so quickly. Their birth day blindsided me. I knew it was possible I might go into labor right after I went off the drugs, but I honestly did not think that would be the day. Yet there I was, 4 tiny hours after going to the hospital just as a precaution, on an operating table experiencing the life that was just a moment ago inside of me now outside. And then gone, in a place where doctors and nurses were doing their best to help my babies thrive, where I could do nothing. Horrible. And I'm still very sensitive when people talk about how natural births are best and nonmedicated pregnancies are best. Because I would have liked both of those things. Maybe someone else would have made a decision to just try bedrest instead of bedrest and the anticontraction medicine, even though the former was not recommended. But for me and for my husband and for most people who have been told the odds are not in their favor, that was too much risk. I had to make the best decision I could, even though it was a decision I SO didn't want to make for me or for them. Same with the C-section. I wanted so badly to push those guys out, and I'm so sad I'll never get that experience (unless I have another who happens to cooperate). And yet I couldn't face the possibility of M being in distress. I went with doctors whom I knew had taken risks with other women, I got several opinions, ... what more was there to do? Why, when I know they all told me I should have a section that birthing day, that day of fast and strong contractions and babies not waiting, and knowing even more now about their health problems and potential complications, why do I still feel regret or guilt? And when will it go away?

Part Four: The Love

Dude. Totally worth it.