Wednesday, March 01, 2006

double the dumb

People - including me - can ask dumb questions sometimes without realizing it. I'm not talking about the offensive questions, like the ones you hear when you're infertile: Have you tried relaxing? Did you get one of those ovulation kits? What about adoption??? No, nothing like that. I'm talking about questions that, if you stopped to think about what you were asking, you'd realize that the question really has no good answer.

An example: So, what's it like to have twins? At first listen, this seems like a legitimate question. However, when you consider that you're asking someone who has never been a parent before, you have to realize that they don't know anything different. What if I asked a parent of a singleton, "So, what's it like to have one baby instead of twins?" The question would seem very odd indeed.

In truth, I guess the easiest way to go about answering the twins question is to say that there is double everything. Double the diapers, double the laundry, double the baths, double the feedings, double the poop, double the screaming and crying, double the worries; double the smiles, double the laughs, double the cuteness, double the Kodak moments, double the milestones, double the pride, double the love. But since the lady pushing her cart down the dairy aisle doesn't really want all that information, here is a list of short and efficient responses I've come up with. (Yes, this is how I entertain myself these days. Yes, that is a mite pathetic. And no, I would not really say these things IRL.)

Answers to "So, what's it like to have twins?"
  • Lotsa shitty diapers.
  • Well, they bring home twice the income of a single working baby.
  • All that crying fuckin' sucks.
  • I don't know, our nanny is raising them.
  • It's double the work, but it's also double the effort.
  • Money's tight, but they're gonna start working the shows at Coney Island this summer.
  • Have you seen those Double Mint gum commercials?
  • Better, since we sent our third child off to teenage boot camp.
  • You know how they cloned that sheep, Dolly? It's kinda like that.
  • Oh no, they're not twins. They have two different daddies.


Blogger Jen said...

I love "two different daddies"!

7:54 AM  
Blogger Bill Norris said...

Two different daddies for sure.

12:57 PM  
Anonymous bri said...

These are absolutely brilliant.

9:03 AM  
Anonymous Liza said...

My favorite was the answer, "they bring home twice the income of a single working baby."

Witty, short, gets the question done with, and not an overt insult to the probably-well-intentioned questioner.

1:21 PM  

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