Wednesday, February 15, 2006

happy broken hearts day

Well, my grandpa died early this morning. My dad called to tell me. I was surprised at how much I cried. I guess it's just a letting go, even though he hadn't been in good health for a long time. Sigh.

Last night was pretty much the worst Valentine's Day I ever had. Not only did I know my grandfather was fading, but the babies were high-maintenance, and SP and I got into an arguement. I ended up leaving the apartment to take a little walk, during which I saw cheery couples out for romantic dinners and a man in his late twenties ringing a doorbell, bouquet of flowers and Victor*a's Secr*t bag in hand. Okay, cheesy, but I wouldn't have minded, you know? That's not us anymore. Maybe it will be us someday again, but it's not right now. SP came home to a JB wearing yoga pants and a red fleece top (at least it was red!), and unbrushed hair.

It's not a simple task anymore to look good. I mean, I still have to stuff myself into my pre-pregnancy pants, which becomes uncomfortable by about 5PM, hence the yoga pants. My other pants that I bought in late December are now falling off. I'm at that in between point where I have nothing that fits, other than... you guessed it. Yoga pants. "Say, JB, why don't you go get a couple pairs of jeans that actually fit?" Oh, I don't know, I guess it's because when I have the free time, I'm usually too tired to go try on clothes. I'd rather get together with a friend and chat, quite frankly. But then of course I regret not using the time more wisely when I am feeling shitty about how I look and feel in clothes, which is pretty much every day. And I don't know what size I am, so online buying won't work. But boy do I digress - sorry. Where was I? Oh yeah, sucky Valentine's Day. Well, maybe next year will be better.

I remember that before I had kids I used to think that if people with kids just put a little more effort into their relationships, they would be so much better off. Now I'd like to slap the pre-kid me clear across my pre-kid face. If there's one thing I learn as I go through life, it's that being judgemental about most things is just plain idiotic. I think that SP and I are doing relatively well considering the whole two infants thing, but it's not the same as it used to be. I used to write long messages on cards about how I couldn't believe my fortune to have found him. I was sincere. He remains the best thing that ever happened to me. I remain in love. But there was no card this year to say it how it should have been said. Still, as I sat on the couch this morning crying and telling him about how sad I was that my boys would never meet my grandpa, there was love. Maybe next year it will come back in its old form, a heart-shaped box.

4 Comments:

Anonymous bri said...

I am so sorry about your grandpa. And about your sucky Valentine's Day. I hope things improve really soon.

5:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry about your grandfather, but I'm glad you can remember him in such an honorable way.

Also, that sucks about the yahoo group. What gives?

I don't know if this will help at all, but I did have preemies (sort of, they were 35 weeks) and we did have some feeding issues although we spent no time in the NICU. I have worked in NICUs and PICUs and I know how intense they can be. If I can be of support or if you need to talk, let me know. email is: ferrisll at comcast dot net

Lisa (A letter to my children)

5:15 AM  
Blogger Wes said...

I'm sorry about your Grandpa. I know hhow much it hurts.

10:59 PM  
Blogger Reesh said...

It's taken me a while to catch up with all my blogs so I'm a little late, but i just wanted to say sorry about your grandpa.

Also, I totally hear ya on the lack of time thing. When I do have spare time, shopping for clothes or cleaning the house are the last things on my list. So I too am wearing the height of fashion fleece jogging pants!!

1:57 PM  

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