Brown Bag Lecture on Infant Care Techniques, Part 1 in the series. JB will lecture.

Thank you for attending part 1 in our lecture series. Also, thanks to the cafeteria ladies for so generously offering these bologna sandwich lunches at a reduced cost to our attendees. Now for our lecture.

Many of you have heard of the Cry It Out method. To be honest with you, I myself abhore the idea of letting your baby lie there in his crib all alone to suffer, just for the sake of teaching him how to "self-sooth" as if that was a proven phenomenon. Instead of dwelling on the flaws of this so-called method of care, however, I would like to focus my energies on offering a positive alternative. I think you will find what I am about to discuss both thoughtful and practical. It is called the "For the love of God, when will you stop crying?" technique. This technique may take some time to master, so don't be too hard on yourself if it takes you a few tries to get the hang of it.

Here is how the technique is executed. First, bring a second baby the same age as your first into your home. Next, go about your day, changing and feeding them on demand. Hold and cuddle them. Speak to them in a high-pitched voice and wait for their cooing responses, in this way carrying on "infant conversations." Put them on a mat for an ample amount of "tummy time" in order to build upper body strength. When they have tired of that, put on "Big Poppa" by The Notorius B.I.G. and move their bodies in a hip-hop dancing manner (including throwing they hands in the ay-uh like theyz a true play-uh) and videotape it, making magical family memories for all to cherish. Repeat this cycle of activities throughout the day. Then, when about 5 PM arrives, wait for the simultaneous and escalating screams to begin. Pick one of the babies up and observe how the other one cries more loudly. Put the one you're holding down and pick the other one up. Listen while the one who is down screams at the top of his lungs. Put them both down. Attempt putting pacifiers in their mouths and watch as they angrily swat your hand out of their faces during said attempts. Run a hair drier next to their ears and continue to listen to them cry. When the crying peaks in terms of pitch and volume, (and here's where the "For the love of God, when will you stop crying?" technique really comes into play), put them both in their crib, humoring yourself by starting their Jazzy Jazz Time mobile, and walk away. When you reach the kitchen, sit at the table with head in hands as their crying reaches heights that you never knew could exsist. Finally, put "Big Poppa" on repeat being sure to turn the volume to its maximum. Now consume an alcoholic beverage. Any will do, including one of the tall boys of Bud that B brought over a couple Sundays ago. Drink until the babies' crying seems like "no big deal," and your partner walks through the door, at which point the crying will most probably stop, and the babies will lie there like precious little sleeping angels for your partner to ooh and ah over.

Be sure to return for part 2 in our series called "Why not consider substituting Wearing Your Baby with the 'Hey, how come I can't figure out a way to carry 2 kids around with me whilst going about my day? I guess I'll just put them in their car seats and let them entertain themselves by staring at our CD rack'" method.