Wednesday, January 11, 2006

baby weight

Yesterday we went to the gastroenterologist for J's "wet breathing." The doctor said it sounds okay but to be sure, she'd send him to see a speech pathologist. That's who we wanted to see in the first place. Damn HMOs! You need to have so many extra appointments just to get a referral to the person you really need to see. In other annoying insurance news, our up-till-now good insurance company is refusing to grant the boys further injections of Synergis, a vaccine to prevent premies from getting RSV, a very serious infection in babies that comes from the common cold. The boys were given the first of what was to be 5 injections when they were in the NICU. Once out of the hospital, however, our company decided they didn't meet all the qualifications to get it. But - get this- if one of us smoked, they would qualify. And we didn't realize that and so didn't claim to be smokers when they asked. SP, the pediatrician and I have all argued with the insurance co., and no go. It sucks, because the boys are still going to all these appointments and waiting in rooms full of sick kids. It puts me on edge just thinking about it.

Every time there is a medical issue and J has to go see another doctor, I have this irrational fear that he will have to go back to the hospital. It is so intense sometimes that I have to almost talk myself out of it. Most disturbing are my recent dreams. Almost every night for the past few, I've dreamt that one of my babies is in the hospital and I'm struggling to find him. Last night my mind took it up a notch and concocted a dream in which my babies were in distress and I was diagnosed with breast cancer, all in the same hospital at the same time. I think this is some form of post-traumatic stress. This type of dream has crept in in the weeks that followed other stressful situations as well. It's like my brain senses that now that the bad situation has passed, I have some capacity to begin dealing with my feelings. I think that this will wear off with time. It doesn't seem to be interfering with my daily life, and I'm still getting plenty of sleep, nor am I am feeling depressed. If it goes on, though, I would see someone for help.

Despite all the tough things, it's great to be a parent. I love these guys so much. It's amazing that despite the amount of crap a new parent can go through, he or she still has the capacity for so much joy. Maybe that's the only way you can get through it all. People tell me that parents spend all their lives worrying. The happiness that comes from loving your child has to exceed that worry in order to make it all worth it, and thank goodness it does. Otherwise we might go extinct.


Anonymous Emmie said...

I had similiar issues after my boys were born. I had constant nightmares and a lot of anxiety. I wasn’t exactly depressed, but I was very irrationally angry sometimes, and was taking it out on my DH. I really felt like I was losing it for a while there, and I got some therapy. I was diagnosed with a relatively mild case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. She never pushed meds. Talking things through from the beginning of TTC all the way to the present really helped. I examined all that had happened and all my feelings at various points along the way. I could maybe have done that with a friend, but I felt all this pressure to have everything be ok with the kind people who had supported me along the way. A warm and supportive therapist who helped me to see that my reaction to extreme stress was understandable and that it would get better was just what I needed. Not trying to say that you need therapy, per se, just that a really stressful time does leave some baggage behind, and that might help to talk about it. And yes, they are so worth it!

10:52 AM  

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