Warning: major venting post

Hi, everyone. Here's the scoop. One baby is still in the hospital, the other came home on Tuesday.

I am very glad to have M home, but I still feel sad that J is not. I go to the hospital almost every day to feed and hold J whilc SP stays home with M. (What a lot of letters. Sounds like I'm posing a riddle or a word problem to you. Sorry.) J is such a little cuty. He has these huge cheeks that you just want to kiss and kiss. He is still having bradycardia, where the heart slows down below the rate it's supposed to beat. All of his episodes are self-limiting, meaning he brings himself out of them without help. It's a matter of prematurity, although some fullterm babies get it too. They happen while he's sleeping. If they happened while he was feeding, we could take him home because we'd be able to see when he was in trouble and help him. But when we're all sleeping it's a different story. Still, I am so frustrated that he can't come home when they're all self-limiting. On the other hand, I'd never forgive myself if we got him home and he had one that was not self-limiting and... well, you know where I'm going with this.

I'm so so tired. I'm tired of pumping after I feed one of them for fear I won't be left with enough milk for two once J actually does join us. I'm tired of trekking up to the hospital. I'm tired of people wondering where my other baby is. I'm tired of being on edge all the time. I'm tired of running around and eating crap on the go. I'm tired of the apartment being a mess. I'm tired of relatives, friends, and even strangers, and sometimes I am tired of my husband. I'm REALLY tired of myself. I'm basically tired of being tired.

Someone recently asked me if I had post-partum depression. I quite inappropriately answered that if they meant, did I want to throw my kid up against a wall, no. If they meant was I depressed that my kid is in the hospital, then yes. Who wouldn't be? How many of you would be whistling and skipping down the street upon leaving your newborn, precious precious baby every night?

But I have to pull it together. I have my breakdowns, and then I have to remind myself there are people much worse off in the NICU, remind myself I could still be trying to get pregnant, remind myself that every moment with my children is a giant gift. And stop crying. And then I'm okay for a few days. Then I can be strong and jokey and supportive of my husband when he needs it, and I can even cook dinner after getting home at 8PM. Oh, and maybe I should mention that SP often is the one to pick up the pieces of me, not me alone. Credit where credit is due.

Hopefully J will be home soon. Soon has now become, for me, by Christmas. I would like him here by then. But deep inside I know that I already got my Christmas presents this year. It's just that they came early, and now I have to wait for what seems like such a long, long time to unwrap them.