The moment and more

(NOTE: sorry for any rambling or spelling mistakes or whatever... I'm delirious. I will not be able to write much in the coming days, but I wanted to give you all an update at this point.)

Our two baby boys were born 11/8 at 2:28PM and 2:29PM, at 34 weeks and 2 days. I went into labor the day after they took me off of the anti-contraction medicine. These babies were just not waiting. The labor seemed like indigestion, but I remember reading some accounts of people mistaking labor for indigestion so I called my doctor, and he said to come to the hospital to just get monitored. Once there, the contractions grew stronger, and within two hours I had dilated from 2 to 4 cm. I was therefore in "active labor." We got several opinions before deciding that a C-section would be best. Literally 4 hours after walking into the hospital thinking I would just be monitored, our babies were born.

The C-section was weird, but it was not bad at all. In true character of my pregnancy, I threw up as the operation was taking place. Love that vomiting! I didn't feel much tugging or anything weird. The worst parts were getting anesthesia spinally; my blood pressure dropping on occasion making me feel I would pass out; and thinking about how I had toes, feet, and legs but could not move them. The best parts were the miracle of my babies' birth and the sound of their cries upon entering the world; seeing SP holding one of our babies for the first time; and feeling proud that I got through a difficult pregnancy and the C-section. After the surgery was over, I was taken to a recovery room and then a hospital room. The pain was controlled well. The worst part of the whole experience was that I wasn't allowed to go see the babies in the NICU, where they were taken right after birth. The reason was that they keep a catheter in your bladder for 24 hours, so you can't get out of bed. I cried a lot that night.

The next day I was wheeled to the NICU, where I got to hold and feed my babies, and where I got information on their conditions. I can't tell you how good it felt to hold the babies and how perfect and beautiful they were (are) to me. I instantly felt like a mother. I don't know how to describe the feeling, other than to say that I felt like a magnet being pulled to them with such great primal force. In that moment, I could have cared less about what kind of birth I had, or even what kind of pregnancy. It suddenly became very clear that they were the reason for everything, so the details no longer mattered.

It turned out that a C-section was a very important thing to do. Little M, the top baby, was larger (5 lbs. 12 oz.) and breech, and the concern was that in pulling him out vaginally he might not have to space he needed and would become distressed. Well, it turned out that his lungs still had liquid in them, and this has led to some respiratory issues that we are now working on. Had we added distress to his underdeveloped lung problems, we could have been in real trouble. Little J's lungs were fine, despite his smaller size (5 lbs.). I guess he gobbled up all the steroid shots! His main issue has been apnea and heart rate drops. Both these lung and heart issues are very typical for premies, and the doctors say that they will grow out of them.

We do not know how long the babies will have to be in the NICU. It could be for a few more days, could be for a few more weeks. I've never had to live so "one day at a time." I was discharged on 11/12 and have been going to the hospital to spend the whole day ever since. I breast feed a lot (have tons of milk pumped and frozen, in case you need any) and change them, swaddle them, hold them,... all that good stuff. The few hours I'm at home are dedicated to sleep and milk pumping. You have to do pumping at frequent intervals so as not to get engorged. So far, feeding and pumping have both gone really well. It feels like a great way to be involved in my babies' lives right now. I thank God for them every day and LOVE spending time with them. But it's heartbreaking to leave at the end of the night, and I've broken down pretty badly on several occasions. I just feel so drawn to them, to love, comfort, and protect them, that it feels so incredibly wrong to leave them. I know they're in good hands, though, and they'll get better and better. They'll survive... it's SP and I who might not.

Please think of us and send us yours prayers and/or positive thoughts. SP and I can't wait to have our miracles home with us.